


Cardigan

by Gleaminginthespotlight



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Based on a song, F/M, Song fic, TRIGGER mentions of kidnapping, i love these two ... thats all, lovesick fools, maybe..., multi chapters, other characters featured - Freeform, slight angst throughout, this will have a happy ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:26:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27806047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gleaminginthespotlight/pseuds/Gleaminginthespotlight
Summary: You remember every little thing about the case. The way the victims' families sob at the acknowledgment that their fallen member isn’t coming back. The way that the perpetrator looks at you when they're caught and you hear them threaten your life in a matter that's so casually cruel it doesn't bother you. When you get back into the office, everything goes away the minute she hugs you. She smells like lavender and cotton candy. A mix that shouldn’t work but does on her. “Are you okay?” she asks, something in you knows that she knows the answer. Something in you wants her to know this was what was needed for you to come back to earth.
Relationships: Luke Alvez/Penelope Garcia
Comments: 19
Kudos: 25





	1. Illicit Affairs

> **il·lic·it**
> 
> /i(l)ˈlisit/
> 
> _adjective_

> forbidden by law, rules, or custom.

There's something altogether beautiful but terrifying about things that seem to be forbidden or illicit. There's something shockingly wonderful about the chill that rises up your spine every single time you're touched by them. There's a sensation of how everything about them seems to scream your name. It's like a love affair even if neither of you are married. But something about it seems so terrifyingly new. And maybe, just maybe you like it?

**_Take the road less traveled by_ **

**_Tell yourself you can always stop_ **

**_What started in beautiful rooms_ **

**_Ends with meetings in parking lots_ **

  
  
  
The first thing she realizes about him entering into any room is the amount of demons it looks like hes seen in his life. The way his deep brown eyes look around so sad, so desperate for answers to the things he’s seen. It makes you feel like you could help him. If your demons weren’t just as clingy to you. The way he smiles and gives his attention to the smallest details, it makes you feel like maybe his mind is just as sharp as yours. As time goes on you realize it's sharp. Like a knife cutting against its intended lighty. If looks could kill, you both would be in trouble. 

From the way he looks at you like he’s ready to do whatever it takes to make you smile. To the way you for so long didn't want anything to do with him… There seems to be something in the way he does the simplest things that while at first it got under your skin, you've started to realize slowly maybe this is whats meant to happen. Allowing his words to intoxicate you like fresh wine slowly slipping through your cracks and crevices. You allow yourself to become drunk off his words slowly and realize. You know this feeling all too well. And this time around you aren't sure if you're a fan of it. 

You realize you've become more careful with your words. Not wanting to offend anyone. And ultimately it's terrifying. Makes you feel weaker and weaker as people give you the looks of worry. As people you know will give you the questions. Trying to interrogate you as they would a culprit in custody. At the moment what you can say is this is you trying. This is you attempting to be everything you can. Hearing him talk of times and adventures he's had makes you feel as if you knew him in a past life. Maybe he was a general in a war and you were a nurse helping him, or you were a jazz singer and he was your pianist. There’s something so chaotically beautiful about it all. 

He gives you a look as you burst into the room, a bright smile on your features almost matching the brightness of your clothing. He looks up at you with a questioning glance as you mouth out a “newbie” getting a roll of the eyes from everyone else but a cheesy smile that looks as if it was waiting to burst comes forward. There were times previously where you remember pouring your heart out. But you know he doesn’t remember them. If he did he would have given you absolute hell for it. She needed to stop this. Stop the feeling of bubbles that rose out of her chest every single time he spoke to her. She wanted to see herself from his eyes. Then maybe she wouldn't need to stop the bubbles because they could just stop themselves. No guy like him ends up with a girl like you. That's exactly what you've learned from the movies. Good things like these never happen in areas like this. You don't even think about the consequences if something did happen. But theres something in you that knows so so damn well.

**_This_ **

**_Never_ **

**_Would_ **

**_Happen._ **

* * *

**_Take the words for what they are_ **

**_A dwindling, mercurial high_ **

**_A drug that only worked_ **

**_The first few hundred times_ **

When you get back from a particularly bad case for some reason she's the first thing on your mind. How would she have felt if this didn't go the way it did? Would she have cared? Something in you prays she would care, but that prayer dies out quickly when you get back onto the ground. You remember every little thing about the case. The way the victims' families sob at the acknowledgement that their fallen member isn’t coming back. The way that the perpetrator looks at you when they're caught and you hear them threaten your life in a matter that's so casually cruel it doesn't bother you. When you get back into the office, everything goes away the minute she hugs you. She smells like lavender and cotton candy. A mix that shouldn’t work but does on her. “Are you okay?” she asks, something in you knows that she knows the answer. Something in you wants her to know this was what was needed for you to come back to earth. 

“I'm okay, a little bruised but it happens to the best of us.” you admit as she drops you from the hug. You miss her warmth and know that this case was rough, so maybe that is exactly the reason this is happening. For the first time you admit something and your voice cracks. As you run a tanned hand through your hair you admit “with this one I was afraid we wouldn't all make it back.” and your shoulders slump slightly when she hugs you again. Saying words that feel like they ghost against your skin as she reaches for your hand. Holding your tanner one in her paler one. 

“I’m glad you all came home safe, I really am.” 

You should be taking the words for how they were just said. But instead your heart gives the smallest flutter and you realize you're in too deep. Guys like you never get the girl. Theres always someone better. Always someone smarter, more charming. You allow yourself to replay the words over and over in your head like a record player. Until the words slowly die out and you realize maybe it's for the best if you ignore them… there's an acknowledgement that this would never happen. Your body is having an illicit conversation with your mind as you allow yourself to come to your senses slowly. This woman sure does make him a mess. And for what? You know

**_This_ **

**_Never_ **

**_Could_ **

**_Happen_ **

* * *

  
  


**_Don't call me kid_ **

**_Don't call me baby_ **

**_Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me_ **

**_You showed me colors you know_ **

**_I can't see with anyone else_ **

****

Theres something in you that wants to look at him in the eyes and tell him to stop with the teasing. You want him to stop with the madness, stop with the way hes made you feel like a mess. He brought a smile onto your face in areas where you didn't want them to show up. During the nastiest cases he managed to be there for you, to comfort you and make you not feel as if you're going absolutely insane with the worry that the case you have at hand. 

You usually don't sleep during cases like these, where a kidnapping is at hand and thirteen children have been taken from low income homes in the past week. Homes where it's obvious they wouldn't be able to cover the ransom amount they had been asking for. You look for hours for any connection between the two cases, even at home so you can present it the next day. You feel your entire body shiver at the thought that another kid could vanish as your mind blanks sitting and looking at the screen in front of you. As you look at the screen you hear your phone ring next to you, it rings and rings before you eventually pick it up. Not looking at the name on the screen as you speak into the phone “it's Garcia.” you say plainly your mind is still a chaotic mess and a nasty high of worry. 

“I was scared you wouldn’t pick up.” the voice on the end says lightly. “We got him.” he adds in and at that moment you realize who this is and a relieved look goes onto your face. “The kids are all in the emergency unit of the hospital with minimal wounds.” you know this could have been a whole lot worse. A kidnapping case a while ago didn't have the same outcome. You didn't know what came over you, you didn't know what to expect. “We’ll be landing in a few hours.” he said and you realize you had been silent the entire time. You realize this when he asks wearily “are you still there?” he asks with a nervous chuckle. And you freeze. 

“Yep, yep i'm still here. Sorry, I’m just really relieved.” you admit your voice breathy.

“I’m glad, I’ll see you soon. You did a really good job kid.” you don't know where the ‘kid’ came from. And something in you doesn’t want to ask, something in you is scared to ask. 

It takes you a second to respond with a nod and an agreed “see you soon.” You say lightly as you hang up the phone. You think he knows damn well that for him you would break every rule you had for yourself. You would ultimately ruin yourself time after time if he asked. You're still in the clothing from the day but the first thing you do is run to him. He hugs you and you stand there for a moment as he reassures you he's okay and that they truly did get him. The world that had been black and grey the past few days are now a burst of color. And you feel okay. You feel normal almost. 

He still looks as if he's seen a lot, seen a world of reds and blacks and whites. And you want to help him feel like those demons aren’t hiking on his shoulders anymore. But you have a feeling that won’t happen anytime soon. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


**_Don't call me kid_ **

**_Don't call me baby_ **

**_Look at this idiotic fool that you made me_ **

**_You taught me a secret language_ **

**_I can't speak with anyone else._ **

  
  


You don't know what she's done to you for you to act this way, but the entire time you're gone, you want to call her. You want her to call you with some information on the case. A few times she calls Emily, she calls Reid or JJ. And you and Matt exchange a questioning glance as you watch JJ go from still to shocked and she yells “GO GO GO.” watching as your own feet touch the floor as you go to get the perp. You get back on the plane more than five hours later and as everyone is settling you decide to call a certain blonde as your mind is a rush. You feel all your senses struggling to come together. But you call, and you wait for her to pick up. Listen as you hear the familiar voice pick up. She goes silent and it scares the shit out of you. Because you've been waiting four days to share this news, to hear her voice. She answers and all together you feel yourself falling apart, that's until you talk. You hear the wheels slowly turning in her head as you speak more. 

Your voice cracks towards the end and you find yourself calling her kid, a nickname you’ve never used with anyone before…? Confuses you why you used the nickname now of all times and why with her. Well you know why you used it with her, and apparently as does everyone in the same proximity as you are. Shes made you act like an idiotic fool as Matt looks over to you “kid…?” he asks and you facepalm. 

hen you get back to the office you feel yourself hug her tightly. This feels all too entirely perfect. You smell the lavender and cotton candy again and you realize something. You two went from not exactly seeing eye to eye to this, to you hugging her tightly and not wanting to let her go.

You hug her, and lightly say _“Creo que estoy enamorado de ti y eso me asusta”_ trying your best to hope at this moment she still hasn't learned spanish. She said she would, but the team has been busy so you doubt it. To your relief she rolls her eyes 

“You know i don't know spanish.” she says and you roll your eyes lightly back, a playful attempt at banter. “I said i would and I’ll keep that promise.” she's a smart girl, you have the idea she would pick things up. Even google what the phrase he used meant. But she hasn’t done so yet and that makes you feel relieved.

* * *

**_And you know damn well_ **

**_For you I would ruin myself_ **

**_A million little times_ **

The worst part about this …? You would do anything for the other. But you can’t let them know that because if they did? You'd ruin yourself over and over again. 


	2. Moment I Knew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But Penelope, she wasn't that seventeen-year-old girl. She wasn't the girl with brown hair that she always wore in pigtail braids. She wasn't the girl that swore she would become a pilot. He thought it was ironic that his ex was a pilot. She sure did love to run from all these problems. Penelope was someone soft, yet fierce. Loyal yet stubborn. She was everything he wasn't. And maybe that's the reason he was so scared —. He was a loner when she loved the world outside. He was fragile when she seemed to be made out of stone. If the woman sitting in front of him said she would have been somewhere. She would have been there. Maybe that was the thing that brought him the most rest. Maybe the knowledge that she was right there brought him comfort. She had some kind of magic to her, the way she wore red lipstick and allowed herself to dance around the room. She didn't have anyone she needed to impress, didn't have layers and layers of uncontrollable damage like you have, there's the curiosity for why you're thinking this way. There's no way you're falling. 
> 
> That's your last thought when you fall asleep.

> **_mem·o·ry_ **

> /ˈmem(ə)rē/

> _Noun_

> something remembered from the past; a recollection.

There are a lot of things you love, you love your dog and hearing the tags on her collar as they jingle and jangle. You love the taste of a deep whiskey. You love the taste of a warm soup during a cold month. But with this there are a lot of things you don't like. You don't like the feeling of your chest plummeting every single time a case turns worse than it started. The smell of cigars has burned into your mind that you can't use them anymore. Above all of these though? Your birthday. This year you tried your best to act like it wasn't there. You tried your best to ignore it and ignore the pounding in your chest as it approaches. 

You feel her chasing after you. Her heels clicking against the concrete floor of the building. Her voice isn't too loud, but you still get shivers down your spine at the sound of it. "Newbie!" She says in a voice almost sounding like a hiss. 

You pause. You thought you had stopped with that nickname. But something's don't change, and Penelope Garcia you assume isn't one of those that doesn't. "I thought we outgrew that nickname _chica_." You say with a light laugh in your voice. And she doesn't look impressed. 

"Why didn't you tell me tomorrow's your birthday." She asks and at that point you freeze, feeling your entire body go absolutely cold. To be honest , you had forgotten. You wanted to forget. But that wouldn't be an acceptable answer for the short blonde. You try your best to come up with an answer, thinking maybe if you run NOW she won't catch up and you won't have to answer. As you prep yourself to run, you feel her shake you with "Luke!" Coming out of her mouth. Then you realize maybe if you answer, she'll drop it…

You admit to this, "I don't like my birthday." You say and shrug. Keeping it calm as her face shows at LEAST thirty different emotions. 

"Nope I won't take that answer." She offers and it's your turn to give a look of thirty different emotions. What did she mean she wouldn't take the answer? It was the truth. "Everyone likes something about their birthday. The cake, the friends surrounding you, the fact that you're becoming a year older and being more experienced." She rambles off and you stop her by resting your hand on her shoulder. 

"I don't." You admit. Cake made you feel sick, friends you see everyday. And you feel like the cases that have been pouring in day after day make you experienced enough. Plus this year has not been what you would call good. He didn't want to jinx himself by believing that this year would be any better. "It's not that hard to believe I don't like it. There's a ton of people who don't like their birthday _Mi novia_." You offer and she raises a brow. 

She opens her mouth and you automatically feel a rush to your cheeks "how about i bring you cupcakes for lunch tomorrow." You answer with a no. "Or I can take you out for coffee tomorrow?" You like coffee … but your answer is again a nope. "I can fly in your mom and get Emily to give you the day off." She says with a smile that says 'please let this work' 

You shake your head though looking at her. "I'm sorry I can't take that offer." And you watch as her face falls flat. You knew she would figure something out. And you were scared to see what it was. 

Arriving at your desk you see Matt. "Found out about your birthday, didn't she?" He asks and you feel like hiding.

"How do you know too?" He was a friend. But it's not like he could hack somewhere to find it which you assumed Penelope did. He shrugs before pointing to a calendar that has tomorrow circled with a picture of a candle next to it. Reading **"LUKES BIRTHDAY."**

 **"** Rossi put it up before you came in. “ he admitted and you sat there looking down. So there's no way you can get out of that now… maybe people will forget. Maybe a case will come up and he wouldn't have to think of everything that was happening. He wouldn't have to think of this year. He wasn't exactly the best at showing emotions, even if this entire thing was driving him absolutely crazy. Added onto this he didn’t want to risk the idea of being vulnerable, if he was that was when things would fall apart. If you don't show you care, people will think you don't… and if you don't have a party, you wont have to worry about people not showing up. Emily approaches you and you feel shame thinking ‘please say we have a case.’ but instead she and Matt talk for a few minutes. You allow your mind to wander. 

  
  
  


* * *

**_With no one to impress_ **

**_And they're all laughing_ **

**_And asking me about you_ **

He thought about the different events in his life, the ones that lead him into being the person he was today. From his grandmother teaching him how to love deeply, even if nobody feels that same way, to your grandfather who taught you to be stubborn, from your uncles who watching them box has brought up your hot-tempered nature. To finally your brothers showed you that being loyal was above everything else. Each of them helped you see the light in different areas of your life. But your dad? He was everything you wanted to be when you were younger. A member of the Army who would often come home with story after story of the events that happened, a trained fighter who showed every ounce of what it was like to be a man. And someone who usually kept his promises. Usually being the keyword. 

* * *

  
  


**_What do you say, when tears are streaming down your face_ **

**_In front of everyone you know?_ **

**_And what do you do when the one who means the most to you_ **

**_Is the one who didn't show?_ **

Your dad who built his life around promises, keeping them and making sure they stayed intact broke a promise to a thirteen-year-old Luke, he built his life around making sure everything was perfect. He guessed that was when his perfectionistic ways were first there. But looking around a family dinner to see if he was there, to see if he remembered. He didn't. Instead, you overheard a call between him and your mom. And you listened trying to pick up pieces. It's at this moment where everything clicks. And you hear “it's his BIRTHDAY. And you couldn't even bother to come.” A few days later you receive a card in the mail, it offers an excuse of getting caught up with work and not realizing it was so important. That starts the dislike you have for today. The dislike you have for feeling things. 

Then there was your first and only high school girlfriend. The way she used to be everything to you. From her bright smile to the way she seemed to be the toughest person. There was the sad truth that on your seventeenth birthday … she was the one that didn't show. All of your friends, all of your girlfriend's friends, and everyone they knew seemed to be there but her. 

He remembered looking around the room, wide-eyed as he was terrified of all that was happening. That was the last time he said he would be insecure about these things. He hated showing his emotions, hated his heart being on his sleeve. So what exactly do you do when the person who was supposed to mean the entire world to you...doesn't show? 

They sat around the room as tears found their way down your face. A few voices singing happy birthday when others (mostly his family) _"Feliz cumpleaños a ti."_ usually kids on their birthday would smile at this. But you…? You fake a smile, offering a look of false joy as you look one more time around the room. Focusing on what wasn't there over anything else. 

But Penelope, she wasn't that seventeen-year-old girl. She wasn't the girl with brown hair that she always wore in pigtail braids. She wasn't the girl that swore she would become a pilot. He thought it was ironic that his ex was a pilot. She sure did love to run from all these problems. Penelope was someone soft, yet fierce. Loyal yet stubborn. She was everything he wasn't. And maybe that's the reason he was so scared —. He was a loner when she loved the world outside. He was fragile when she seemed to be made out of stone. If the woman sitting in front of him said she would have been somewhere. She would have been there. Maybe that was the thing that brought him the most rest. Maybe the knowledge that she was right there brought him comfort. She had some kind of magic to her, the way she wore red lipstick and allowed herself to dance around the room. She didn't have anyone she needed to impress, didn't have layers and layers of uncontrollable damage like you have, there's the curiosity for why you're thinking this way. There's no way you're falling. 

That's your last thought when you fall asleep.

When you arrive into the office the next morning, the only thing that's off is the small plant now sitting on your desk from Emily, a small card saying ‘just because.’ and you allow yourself to roll your eyes lightly at the card. She never seemed like the sentimental gifting type. And the card had no indication of being a birthday gift. So you push the little plant off to the side of your desk and get to work. 

These are your only thoughts as you sit at the desk you have in the office. You don't wish there was a case because that would mean there’s something that happened to need a case. You don't want a kidnapping or a murder. You just want a distraction of what is currently happening. You just want to forget about the moment you knew. When you get home you drink, the whiskey that sat in your usually wandering hand doesn't drown the pain out like you wanted. So the one glass you've had is enough as you get up. There is something about having a dog next to you that makes everything better. It's the way that they care as deeply as you have before. And you could be the shittiest and most impulsive version of yourself and they would love you anyway. 

* * *

**_And they're all standing around me singing_ **

**_"Happy birthday to you"_ **

**_But there was one thing missing_ **

**_And that was the moment I knew_ **

The day of your birthday goes by pretty quietly, and though you would be suspicious about this, right now you're more relieved that a certain blonde hasn’t tried anything yet. You grab your keys, going to lock up the room before you head out for the night. Roxy is still at the sitters and you've mentioned you might be a few minutes late due to work. A lot of paperwork in all honesty. But as the key touches the door 

You feel Matt come by and grab your arm. A questioning glance gets offered to him but he simply responds with "you'll see." Something that makes you even more worried. It's not like anything could happen. This is one of your closest friends. He wouldn't purposely do you harm. He's not kidnapping you or anything like that. But if he's not — why are you so scared?" You get instructed to close your eyes and you do so. The wheels turning in your head before they connect to what's going on. 

As it gets taken off voice after voice chimes "surprise!" And you look around the room , as you did all those years ago. You see it though. A flurry of blonde hair running up to you. She tries to reason with you. Not that it's needed. "I know you didn't like your birthday. But I was hoping — you would accept a party that you didn't know …Was happening? “ she said and you look around the room. All the coworkers you had were standing around the room with bright smiles on their faces. Theres a small pile of gifts on the table, not that you were expecting anything, JJ walks up to Penelope, handing her a tablet. And on the screen is your mom. The woman who always tried to make your birthday remarkable when you were growing up. She showed up, even when she was across the room. Penelope hands you the tablet with your moms face on a tiny screen in the corner, and as she does this she walks away to organize another table. One that has some drinks on it, which you would usually appreciate on this day. But today you feel intoxicated enough from the group of people, that you think you can be sober for at least the next little while. 

Your mom speaks “ _feliz cumpleaños mi chico”_ she says 

Laughing lightly, you think ‘now it's happy; but instead comment back with _“gracias mamá”_ your voice sounding at peace for the first time in what seemed like forever. You talk with her for what seems like forever, catching up as the party around you is in full bloom. 

She mentions that she has to go, it's late and she doesn't want to keep you from your friends for longer than is needed. 

_“Tengo que irme, pero sé. esa ... ella es una guardiana.”_ she does say and something in you wants to reply with a comment about just being friends, something in you wants to respond with a sad ‘it's not like she feels that way.’ but before you can respond in either direction she hangs up with one more ‘happy birthday.’ 

**_You called me later_ **

**_And said, "I'm sorry, I didn't make it"_ **

**_And I said, "I'm sorry too"_ **

**_And that was the moment I knew_ **

You make your way over to Penelope, wrapping your arm around her shoulder as she in response rests her hand on top of yours. “Thank you chica.” you whisper in a voice before finding yourself kissing the top of her head. She nods. Her red lipstick coated smile beaming and the blonde curls on her head bouncing. You find yourself still intoxicated. Something you don't want to feel. Yet the more and more you've hung out with her. You've felt yourself well … feeling. As you're forming around the table you see as Reid brings out the cake. Sliding it into the table in front of you. You look up for a second, a nervous chuckle escaping your lips as you think about all of this. 

She looks at you, her eyes looking hopeful. A look you usually see on the victim's families. Asking if you've found their missing piece. But this time it's a look you could get used to. A look that causes fireworks to feel like they exploded. Who knew someone you believed hated your guts up until a year or two ago could make you feel like this? 

"Did you get everything you wished for?" She asks you quietly. Her bright eyes for half a second looking into yours. Did you get everything you wanted? He looked around the rooms, he had friends. If you told that seventeen year old boy that he had this … he would have been absolutely shocked. He wouldn't have believed you. None of this would have been something you would have believed. This year had been insane. Lots of death, loss, lots of feelings of insecurities. Lisa and you ending things. And everything else… but this is the first moment you're excited for the next year. 

You take a second to respond as you realize — you did. You got more than what you wished for. "Yeah … I think I did." You nod and blow out a candle as all the voices chime a tune of happy birthday. But one that softly hums a quiet whisper of " _Feliz cumpleaños a ti"_ you sit shocked for a second before looking at her. "You learned?" You asked a bit shocked and she shrugs. 

"I'm learning. Thought it might come in handy for future cases." And she pushes her hair behind her ears as you feel your cheeks turn a light red. Matt who's looking in your direction offers a smile followed by a shrug when you offer a questioning glance. And at that moment, it's the moment you knew, you were in far too deep. And maybe this time around you like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I go into a more established plot with this I'm going to give a chapter dedicated to Garcia and an event particularly to her for the next chapter. I have a few different directions I'm wanting to take this in, so hopefully, you all enjoy this! ♥ One of the biggest notes I want to point out is all the Spanish used here was stuff I used in an Introduction to Spanish class a few years ago. So this might be a little rusty. I am learning again though so it should be fixed slowly as the chapters progress. Another note for this is my Beta Reader has been INCREDIBLE at giving me feedback for what I'm needing to say in different areas. So Charlie if you're reading this. I appreciate you endlessly. The next chapter update should be up soonish :) (I'm a student wrapping up a semester of university so it's been a little bit of a wait in terms of when I'll have time.) See you all next update !! Thank you for the kind words & comments, those meant the world to me.


	3. Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’ve been having these nightmares” you admit and run a hand through your hair, you can't explain them. These events, they happened, so would they be flashbacks and you're currently sitting in shock…? This was a nightmare, but as you dreamt them it felt like they were happening again. “And -.” you can't think of the words to say, you freeze. “But they’re nothing like the ones you must have. I’ll just hang up, let you sleep. I don't know why I’m bothering you anyway.” you admit and look to the floor of your room. You hear his voice again, shocking you back out of the transit you were in. 
> 
> He still sounds concerned. Like he's scared for you, something you don't know how to feel with. “Chica - I mean Pen… don't compare trauma, I have mine and you have yours,” he says and you don't know if he's serious or just that tired of the bullshit you must be putting him through. “Do you need me to come over and sit with you?” he asks seriously, his voice sounding more than ready as you hear him getting off his bed. You don't think it's necessary. But something in you wants to say yes, wants him to come and hold you as you cry. But another part of you is wishing he would just stay home, so you don't take up the entire night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For a massive trigger warning for this chapter. Mentions of kidnapping, guns, night terrors, and PTSD. All of these are things that I tried using as delicately as possible because they aren't meant to be used in bad lighting. If you or a friend struggle with PTSD. You are NOT alone and you are stronger than you will ever know. Now that I got those things into the air. Onto the fic ♥♥♥

> _clean_
> 
> /klēn/  
> free from dirt, marks, or stains.

* * *

  
  


**_It was months, and months of back and forth, ah ah_ **

**_You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore_ **

**_Hung my head, as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm_ **

  
  


In this line of work, plenty could happen. Kidnappings. Shootings, an occasional hostage situation. Most of the time it didn't bother you. If you didn't look at the crime scene photos there was no reason for you to get affected. You could live in the bubble you had safely in your head. You would be able to keep the idea that one day you'll wake up and it would all be some giant dream where instead you were a kindergarten teacher and you'd meet your coworkers in another way, like Prentiss as the fifth grade teacher, Rossi as the principal you often ate with. JJ would be the counselor all the kids talked to. And maybe these thoughts wouldn't be in your head. The monsters wouldn’t be clawing in your closet screaming to get let out. You thought maybe if you ignored it. Those feelings would go away. But , it wasn't a dream. And you weren't a teacher. Instead all of this was real. And it wasn't like you absolutely hated it, you often were not on the field. Those families needed you all to catch the unsub so they could bring justice to the ones who fell around them. So at the moment you would work through those twisted thoughts. And you'd see your therapist who would ask you about everything. From the things that used to bother you that didn't now. To the nightmares. Oh , the nightmares ...

Most of the nightmares had died down by now, which is what she told herself. Most of the nightmares about different situations she had gotten herself in. most of the situations that pounded into her brain remaining there had found themselves recurring. It wasn't something she wanted to happen. Wasn't a situation she would ever favor over anything else. 

_“We need you to try and get the unsubs attention.” was the last thing she and JJ had heard before the car crashed into them and they found themselves tied into one Michael Flores’s attic. She looked over at JJ, the other woman tears in her eyes as surely she thought about her husband and kids sitting at home. “I promise, we’ll get out of this…” JJ mumbled to her colleague and friend's direction. At one point she remembered being grabbed, being pushed in front of the door and shown to the rest of her colleagues. “You back off or the girl gets it.” he said as he held the gun to her head. She closed her eyes, shaking slightly as she mouthed ‘i'll be okay.’ she managed to mouth, not sure if she was to convince herself or the group holding guns in their direction._

_“Drop the gun - “ Emily said, her voice trying to reach the point of panic. But there was something that definitely showed she was absolutely panicked over all of this. And if Penelope was on the other end, she would have done the same thing. Except she wasn't on the other end. She was in the situation. Wanting to believe all of this wasn't truly happening. This case had started out as one they thought wouldn’t turn this bad. But a cult leader obsessed with power over women, had turned to a murderous rage powered mostly by lust. Reid had spoken to a few of the victims' families and they connected a few dots. All the victims were in pairs of two. All of them had the same base hair color. They were sent out together because it seemed they fit the build._

_She remembered Luke and Matt both offering to hide out in the back and grab the unsub when they approached. It was a good idea at the time, a great idea even. But something about JJ and Penelope in the same room car made it feel as if they were able to tackle this case and bring him out of the home. As he rested his hand on her neck, she felt chills. But the worst kind. The kind that made your stomach twist and turns into knots. Not the kind of chills she got during her first kiss, or the first time someone said they loved her. Luke looked ready to jump onto the guy, knock him off his feet. Force him to let Penelope go and to reveal where JJ was._

_“No,” he said and held her a little tighter. “You're going to listen to me. To my demands,” he said and wrapped the hand from her neck to her waist, causing her to jump and suddenly feel insecure._

That's when you wake up, feeling a deep exhale leave her body as you gasp, checking the time of the clock sitting on the table next to her. You kept rereading it, two am,,, two am. Nobody would be awake at this time. But it was worth a shot? You reach your phone from it's charging portal and look through it. your thumb hovered over the call button what must have been six times before she finally pressed down, hearing the dial tone. You have a small twinkle this person would pick up. You truly wished he would and “Pen, what's wrong?” he said sounding worried, he hadn't known you had been having these nightmares. He hadn’t known she was falling apart right now. 

“Hi Luke,” you say with a nervous laugh, trying her best to sound confident. “I’m sorry for waking you -.” you start and you hear him cut you off, not in the bossy ‘i know better’ ways or the ‘let me finish your statement way’ but instead a soft way where his voice sounded like he was genuinely concerned. 

“I’m a light sleeper, all the time in the Army.” he says and you know that part is true, you're not doubting that part. You're doubting the part he woke up for you…? “What's wrong?” he asks and you take a second to speak. 

“I’ve been having these nightmares” you admit and run a hand through your hair, you can't explain them. These events, they happened, so would they be flashbacks and you're currently sitting in shock…? This was a nightmare, but as you dreamt them it felt like they were happening again. “And -.” you can't think of the words to say, you freeze. “But they’re nothing like the ones you must have. I’ll just hang up, let you sleep. I don't know why I’m bothering you anyway.” you admit and look to the floor of your room. You hear his voice again, shocking you back out of the transit you were in. 

He still sounds concerned. Like he's scared for you, something you don't know how to feel with. “Chica - I mean Pen… don't compare trauma, I have mine and you have yours.” he says and you don't know if he's serious or just that tired of the bullshit you must be putting him through. “Do you need me to come over and sit with you?” he asks seriously, his voice sounding more than ready as you hear him getting off his bed. You don't think it's necessary. But something in you wants to say yes, wants him to come and hold you as you cry. But another part of you is wishing he would just stay home, so you don't take up the entire night. 

“I’ll be okay.” you say and you don't know if he believes it. “Just stay home and if I say some weird shit ignore me.” you say and you'd like to believe he offered you a nod, his brown curls bouncing as he did so. But he’s not there so you can't see it. You hear him offer to switch to facetime so he's able to look at you, so you're able to believe he's actually there. And you make the switch. He looks tired and you can see his non gelled curls falling to his face. If he were tired he wouldn't have woken up to answer your call. He could have stayed awake. Or completely ignored the sound coming out of his phone.

“Whenever you're ready, or if you're ready to explain it at all. I’m here.” the promise of being there when the case with Elizabeth was going on. He promised if you needed anything he would be there. You still think it was nice, really nice he spent most of his day off helping her. But you nod and think back to where the nightmare began, you remember every detail surrounding this. 

_He moves the gun from the back of your head to your front. So that the team who’s all raising their guns can see. “Please.” you think and watch as he takes a step back. There is no way this is happening, ‘no way’ you think. And look at the sky, it was turning a dark grey, as to set the mood for what is happening. You feel your chest tighten as his finger pulls on the trigger, you close your eyes thinking not of your own end, but of the end of those poor girls, of JJ who still has kids and a husband at home. You don't have that! That is what brings you reassurance to your own end. As you get ready you feel the hands move away from your body and you don't feel his grasp on you anymore. You see Luke holding him to the ground, his body pinned against the unsubs as the police department members who were there pick him up. You feel your body tense and start to buckle as Matt holds you and brings you to sitting._

_“You're in shock.” he says and rests your currently pounding head on his leg slowly. ._

You realize you've been staring at the same spot on the wall for the last minute or two as you look to Luke. he is still there ready for you to speak, he is there, he is real. “the nightmare started -” and you begin to try to explain. 

* * *

**_When the butterflies turned to dust, they covered my whole room_ **

**_So I punched a hole in the roof, ah ah_ **

**_Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you_ **

  
  
  


_“He still has hostages.” you say your voice sounding like you weren't able to breathe. Before you were able to breathe Rossi looked over at you._

_“He has JJ.” he says looking around. Before he looks back “hostages, with an s?” he asks and you nodd. “How many?”_

_You think for a second, trying to think of the full answer, as you're trying to come up with the answer you're sitting there coming in and out of consciousness. “Five others.” you say and feel your body giving out. Matt who caught you and who's holding you is careful not to touch anywhere the unsub had. Not wanting you to flinch. You start getting up to help, you are NOT weak. This is an area where you can help in, bring them comfort. But as you're up, you hear a voice._

_“Sit back down.” the voice says, but it's not Matt. “I’ll stay with her and JJ once shes out. Everyone else in.” you look up and it's Luke, He’s sitting there trying to put comfort into your beating heart. Hes singing something in Spanish, you know the tune. But at the moment you can't pinpoint where it's familiar from. He runs his hand over the same spot on your back, tracing circles over and over again as hes now humming the tune. They bring out the girls one by one finding an accomplice downstairs whos brought up handcuffed. Five girls follow and they come sit by you, shock blankets wrapped around their shoulders from the paramedics. After what feels like an eternity later JJ is out with Rossi._

_She looks at you and you look at her for a moment or two before both of you are hugging one another. You don't usually get emotional after these cases and neither does the other. But somehow both of you are sitting there, crying into each other's shoulders. Everyone else is too consumed with the case to notice. But Luke who continues to run his hand over your back. You feel all your walls cave in._

After you're done explaining the basis of your emotions with the nightmare. The curly haired Latino on the other end offers you another concerned look. It's not like you're sitting there asking for the look of absolute concern. You don't need a savior. But what do you need? To allow yourself to not have these nightmares. You sit there and look back at the wall. And like a way to knock you from your momentarily moment of relapse. You hear his voice say "I'm coming over…" and this time you know there's no objecting to it. You don't think he's serious until mentions "I'll be switching back to a normal call. But I'm staying on the line until I'm there." He tells you. He gets there a little while later and immediately you let him in. 

You gesture to a few places if he wants to try resting again, the couch is comfortable and has a pull out section. The mattress on it is comfortable as you've heard. The guest room was recently redone, and he would have been the first guest. But as you're explaining, you both walk into the room and he points to a large chunky armchair. One you’ve never seen as comfortable and you hear him ask “what about there?” and you look shocked. You try to offer something “I wanted to be here in case you have another nightmare. If you needed me, I would be right here.” and you nod, agreeing to it. You throw him a large blanket from the closet and a pillow from your bed. As he gets more comfortable, as do you. Drifting asleep.

  
  


_"Penelope I need you to listen to me." You hear JJ's voice from next to you. You're stuck on the fact you can hear the sound of five girls sobbing amongst everything else. You're focusing on the fact none of this seems to make sense. You never leave the office and one of the times you do. This happens? "If something happens and I don't make it out … tell Will I'm sorry." She says and you close your eyes. "That I tried my best to make it , to make it home —." She mentions and you realize the slight stutter in her tone._

_Those words keep repeating through your head as the Unsub and his accomplice look at you. "Fbi agents huh never thought I'd be so lucky." He says as he looks at you. And your mind goes into fight or flight mode. The Unsub looks at you both before grabbing you. As you're being lifted that's when you hear JJ's voice go from unsure & uncertain to confident _

_"We'll get out of this. I promise."_

You wake up again, gasping for the same air. You look around the room and you see the same frame look at you. Wow he really is a light sleeper… you knew soldiers in battle areas like Iraq or Afghanistan who fought for years had permanent effects with sleep. But this was … this was new. "Are you okay?" He asks and you shakily offer a nod "be honest." He says walking over to the side of your bed and kneeling next to you. 

"Just the nightmare again." You admit and shrug a little bit trying to act as if it wasn't that big of a deal for this to happen. He looks you in the eye for a second and you sigh. "I'll make a cup of tea, and be back to normal. Want a cup?" You offer him. Still trying to make it as if you're okay. He nods and gets up to follow you into the small kitchen. "You don't have to follow me. I'm capable of making a cup or two of tea." You say stubbornly and he leans on the counter.

"I couldn’t sleep anyway." He says pulling out a stool as he props his head onto his hands. You start the kettle and begin to set two cups down onto the counter. Your hands shaking , he seems to notice as he darts over. Helping you set those down. "Pen." He says and you take a deep breath. "Come on. Let's go sit on the couch.” he says to you and you nod. You don't know what his plan seemed to be when you got there. But you were hopeful he could help the sound of your heart as it pounded repeatedly. 

When you get to the couch you look up at him. “You seem to know a lot about night terrors.” you offer. Not really looking for an explanation, more so a reasoning for him to be here.

* * *

**_Ten months sober, I must admit_ **

**_Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it_ **

**_Ten months older I won't give in_ **

**_Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it_ **

"While in the army … I saw a lot of things . And most of it I promised myself I'd never speak about." He said as he looked at you. "It was the same things my dad saw that I was sure it was the reason it drove him away. I thought that if I spoke about those things. And ended up getting too close to someone , close enough for marriage. It would be the same situation and I would leave my son wondering what he ever did for his dad to walk away from him and his siblings. If it would be the same situation and my wife wouldn't allow me to see them if I was in town." You don't know why he's telling you all of this. But as you're sitting on the couch in the living room. He opens up his mouth to speak again, and you can almost see the wheels turn as he speaks to you. You two hadn’t always been close. He was nice enough with you, but you turned that away due to some petty annoyance in missing the person you still saw as a best friend. You were glad you had started to warm up to him. With moments like these. You knew he might not be your soulmate, honestly you don't know this for sure. There are a lot of things you don't know for sure. But as you listen to him talk, in a silence that isn't awkward in the slightest way. Things are gaining clarity.

"My dad used to come home from work and immediately go to the kitchen, taking a bottle of scotch he would always have after a long week. Soon enough it was at the end of every day. My parents would argue. They would shout." You listen as he continues to speak. "And one day, he got up and left. I kept thinking it was for a few days. But then those days turned to weeks. Then to months and then suddenly, my dad wasn't seen until my graduation and my sister was calling Dave dad.” he says and pushes a hand through his hair. “The nightmares and night terrors didn't start though until I was a week home from Afghanistan. I was home with my family and I had the same dream over and over again. It felt as if every inch of me was trying to scream. But i couldn't wake up from it.” he says his voice more a hushed tone more so than anything else. “My point in telling you those things is, you're a lot stronger than you think. And sometimes, those demons in your head. They become your best friends during times like those.” he said and went from looking to the floor to looking at you, trying to shrug it all off in the same way you do whenever these thoughts decide to come on by to haunt your thoughts. It's the ghosts continuously trying to haunt both of you.

"Luke —" you say and think before speaking for another second. "You aren't your dad." You say and pull your knees closer to your own body. "First of all, You aren't anything like that man…you're compassionate and are loyal. If you had kids and a wife they would be damned lucky to have you." You mention and you don't know why you're saying all of this. You thought it would be a way of comfort. But to be honest it sounds more like you're trying to uncover what's under the sad eyes he has. What turned him comforting you. Has turned to you both comforting each other. “But I didn't know you had those moments. I’m so sorry.” he had mentioned his PTSD before, mostly to Matt and Reid but never in detail like he was with you right now. You'd see his flinch at certain topics, how he’d walk away completely from others. And you knew he didn't need it. But you wanted to wrap your arms around you and protect him. 

He was your friend.

Friends didn't say things like that 

What the hell penelope…?

immediately he wraps his arms around you. His presence on you has marked you like a bloodstain. And all you know is right now he's haunting the what ifs of your mind. What if you never called. Would you ever tell anyone about these nightmares? Or would you remain silent. He continues to hold on tight to you, and the time feels more and more like it's going too slow. As you sit there for another moment. He hums the same song you remember from that day, singing the words to it lowly into your ear. Like it's a secret conversation only the two of you are sharing. You know the words he's singing are in Spanish, that part is obvious. But you haven't learned that far yet. 

The kettle in the kitchen goes off. And you get up, quickly scrambling to your feet as you retrieve it. 

* * *

**_Rain came pouring down when I was drowning_ **

**_That's when I could finally breathe_ **

**_And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean_ **

**_Finally clean, think I'm finally clean, ah ah_ **

**_Think I'm finally clean_ **

A morning or two later, you enter the office a little early. Your therapist tells you to keep your life the same. It's best for someone getting over a traumatic event to keep to a schedule someone can focus on while the grief from that situation is kicking at them. You get greeted at the elevator by Reid who you know regularly comes in early. As you ride up he's telling you about an anthropological discovery made over the weekend and how it would change the world. 

Getting up to the floor you smile lightly as Reid walks off, probably to the coffee maker they installed a few days prior. Entering into your office, you put your bag down and see a cup holding a small flower in the center. A note is attached to it and your immediate thought is a prank or something along those lines. But instead, you look at it and smile, the note attached reading. 

  
  


**Penelope,**

**The daffodil is a sign of rebirth and starting fresh. The most symbolic part in most cases is caring for one yourself.** **This daffodil is for you to take care of, take care of yourself in the same way you would this flower. I have one at my** **desk too. You watch mine grow, and I’ll watch yours. Here’s to becoming clean.**

**Yours truly,**

**“Newbie ;)”**

‘Yeah, definitely, here's to new beginnings.’ you think as you see Reid and Luke talking over a cup of coffee in the main room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear lovely readers, 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this and for allowing these ideas to trace into your reading for a few minutes. I'm amazed by the number of kind words and statements I've been getting. Your words are wonderful and warm my heart. When I'm not writing or editing this I'm working on Ransomed Phantoms. A fic that is going to be a blast. And I can't WAIT to share the next chapter. Go check out that work which should be on my profile & now onto the next thing :) Love all of you, and thank you again. ♥♥♥♥
> 
> OH also before I forget: the song Luke hums/sings to Penelope is "You are my Sunshine." Which was a Spanish translation is "para ti eres mi sol" which according to my native Puerto Rican classmate translates from there into   
> "for you, you are my sun." which I thought would be an interesting thing to place in here ✨✨


	4. Everything has Changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Then he met Penelope Garcia. That girl managed to make his walls want to fall down, she made him want to knock down some of his wall so she could get to know him better. Wanted to approach her and open the door so he could become a more open book. Mostly he wanted her to trust him, each time she said ‘hello.’ he found himself falling more and more. Crashing deeper and deeper down to find where she stood. He at first thought he wanted her to become his best friend, but now he wasn't sure what was happening. Something in him knew something had changed though. And though he couldn't pinpoint where it was, he didn't hate the feeling. It was a nice change, like wind blowing lightly against all he had not known before. And fears would vanish for a moment. 
> 
> She hadn't ever had walls that were held too high, those who knew her said she was an open book. Something she stood by with pride as she went and talked to people. Meeting Luke Alvez, she didn't expect herself to put her walls so high. Yet she did, and that scared the shit out of her. She had learned fast that everyone had bad days, and maybe these were just the start of hers. Something that would soon turn.

> **_change_ **
> 
> _ /CHānj/ _
> 
> _ verb _
> 
> _ 1. _
> 
> _ make (someone or something) different; alter or modify. _
> 
> _ 2. _
> 
> _ replace (something) with something else, especially something of the same kind that is newer or better; substitute one thing for (another). _
> 
>   
>    
> 

**_Know something now I didn't before_ **

**_And all I've seen_ **

**_Since eighteen hours ago_ **

**_Is green eyes and freckles and your smile_ **

When he sees her in the elevator he swears he had seen her before, except she was different. Same bright eyes, but this time in a different universe. A time far away where she would exit out of an apartment complex walking out to retrieve a newspaper from the front porch. She had the same bright eyes, and a way to light a room. Looking as if she were a model about to walk on the runway. There was something about her that made you wonder what kind of universe is sitting in them. You're sitting on your balcony on your Brooklyn Fire escape as you watch her looking up at the stars. You're reading a book, and she smiles down at you. You know at that moment you would do anything for her. He swears he's seen her in a world of color when everything was black and white when she slips, her white sneakers causing her to lose balance and she ends up in your arms. You're heading off to war in the next few weeks, so there's no reason to become close to this fascinating stranger. 

The day before you're leaving to go off she passes you and hands you a note. “Good luck out there, soldier, write to me?” she offers and you nod with a smile. Her last name is Garcia you note, and in no time you find yourself lost in the idea of the sense of everything. And you write to her. Once or twice a week the letters get sent out and wide-eyed you take on the world, promising yourself you would return to her. You two end up together as she waits for you at the docking station for the boats. You've seen things out there. The two of you court one another though, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. She was the fight you wanted to win as you carried her home. Allowing your stress and worry to flood your systems, everything about you is a static mess, and you feel like if you fall in too deep, you’ll never climb out. 

Your mind feels intoxicated as you write to your friends from the war, people like Phil who tells you about his new wife, he had talked about this girl like she hung the moon and the stars. And one day, you think you'll be able to write the same letters. You write to people like Matt who has a wife and kids at home, and ultimately they mean everything to him. You're more than happy they made it back in one piece when others didn't have the same chance. When fate didn't grant them the same accessibilities. The world still feels scary as you brace yourself for the next item. The girl next door, isn’t just the girl next door anymore. She feels like a lot more. And though she's more than that, you can't stop but think _ ‘it's nice to have a friend.’  _

She swears she had seen him before rocking out on the stage as his music carried throughout the small bar. You and your friends attend the place due to hearing about some pretty great cocktails and while they are good, the music is the thing that makes you feel like you could never leave. JJ grabs you and brings you to the dance floor, pulling you, Emily and Tara every single direction. She’s strong, and your legs feel like jello as he looks in your direction and offers a boyish grin. One that sends tingles down your spine as you two look eye to eye. She wants to get to know him, wants to get to know why he sings those songs and the story behind the small band that stood on the stage. She wants to tell everyone about the man who played music, his words lighting her soul on fire. But before she could say anything, Tara walked over to her, pulling her over to the counter. 

There's something familiar about the way he rests his hand on your back, wrapping his arms around your shoulder before he introduces himself. “Luke.” he offers as he sits down after finishing his set. And you nod, familiar with him. You asked about him the security guard. A red lipsticked smile graces your lips as you carry on throughout the conversation. She swears she can see a galaxy in his eyes, and maybe she likes it? Likes not being completely in control of the situation. “Up for hanging out after this?” he asks “there's a pretty decent green room back there?” and you wonder, out of all the girls in this club. He chose you…? Maybe there's a mystery to this, or maybe you’ve let your walls be grey for too long and now it's time for them to be yellow. 

He goes up one more time and you watch him carefully as he announces the last song, a cover of Bob Dylan’s  _ “Girl from North Country.”  _ he sings the words, and as he does so she feels her chest pound more and more. You do go back at the end of the show and at that point you find yourself going to see his shows wherever he performs. Sometimes she could be found sipping a cup of coffee as he played on stage with his group, and others you're sitting in a bar much like the one you first met in, and he plays his heart out on that stage, you listen to the guitarist and the drummer and eventually get asked to be a Roadie on tour with them by their manager Rossi. You think about it for a little bit and you ultimately have to decline, you have built your entire life here. As he drives off though, with his group, you two find each other whenever he's back in town and he remembers you.  _ ‘It's nice to have a friend’  _ you think as he hugs you, not letting you do for a few minutes as you hold one another. 

His eyes feel like coming home

And as do hers. 

* * *

**_And all my walls_ **

**_Stood tall painted blue_ **

**_But I'll take 'em down, take 'em down_ **

**_And open up the door for you_ **

His walls had been held high for as long as he could remember, doing the line of work he had done made it so it wasn't exactly what you would call easy to let people in. whenever you let someone in there was no guarantee that they would stick around for much longer. Caused for something he wasn't ever too fond of. But this group of people came to be a lot easier for him to just talk to. They wouldn't judge him for doing little things that before would have set off others around him. He had learned that everyone could feel lonely, everyone could feel like they were lonely, didn't mean they were alone. In fact often enough, you were surrounded by more people that loved you than you knew. He had a tall fence around his tall walls, trying his best to keep people out. But all he knew was walking into this office, something about it all felt like coming home. He wouldn't take down his walls for just anyone. Anyone who wanted in it would take them a whole lot longer than expected in order for them to fall down. Even Lisa who he had dated for who knows how long didn't get all of his layers to fall down. He didn't plan on getting those levels knocked down anytime soon. 

Then he met Penelope Garcia. That girl managed to make his walls want to fall down, she made him want to knock down some of his wall so she could get to know him better. Wanted to approach her and open the door so he could become a more open book. Mostly he wanted her to trust him, each time she said ‘hello.’ he found himself falling more and more. Crashing deeper and deeper down to find where she stood. He at first thought he wanted her to become his best friend, but now he wasn't sure what was happening. Something in him knew something had changed though. And though he couldn't pinpoint where it was, he didn't hate the feeling. It was a nice change, like wind blowing lightly against all he had not known before. And fears would vanish for a moment. 

She hadn't ever had walls that were held too high, those who knew her said she was an open book. Something she stood by with pride as she went and talked to people. Meeting Luke Alvez, she didn't expect herself to put her walls so high. Yet she did, and that scared the shit out of her. She had learned fast that everyone had bad days, and maybe these were just the start of hers. Something that would soon turn. Took her a few additional weeks for her own new walls to be left down. And it wasn't until Reid was out of jail that she found herself fully allowing her walls to fall down when she was around him. Maybe it was the fascination that he helped her through it, called her during the insanity, and helped her racing heart calm down. She wanted to get to know him better, get to know his fears and how he worked through the world. Her heart had been broken, and she was sure he had been bruised which was where the fears would continue to come racing in. Fears were a normal thing, like Reid being scared of tight spaces and Matt mentioning his fear of heights. Everyone had their own thing and this wasn't something for her to judge anyone for. 

Sure she still lashed out on him, she would acknowledge that she had done. But she was working on figuring out why she did that. She had an idea why, but truly she didn't want to admit to any of the ideas. She convinced herself it was because she missed Derek, it was because he was new and she didn't know how to feel about him. All of those things were reasonable. She heard a conversation happening right next to her at the office that for a second knocked her out of her mind. 

“Garcia, you believe in soulmates right?” Matt asked as he looked at the blonde. “Because Reid here says it's unreasonable for someone to have their soul connected to someone else's.” 

“I'm not saying it's unreasonable.” he paused. “I'm saying it's impossible. There's no way you have someone pre-designated to you.” 

“So what I’m wondering is, do you believe in soulmates?” 

Penelope thought for a second., she definitely believed in them. Didn't know to what level she did, but she did. In her mind soulmates aren't always romantic connections, they weren't always people you could find yourself raising a family and keeping yourself with them forever. “I do. I totally believe in them.” resulting in a high five from Matt. 

“Dude, do you believe in soulmates?’ he then turned to Luke who was sitting at his desk. 

This made Luke stop for a moment. How would he explain that one of the strongest reasons he believed in soulmates was because he believed with every inch of his soul he had met his soulmate. He knew the way her hair bounced against the back of her head when she had news she was excited about. He thought dating Lisa would cause him to ignore the feeling that the blonde hated him. But they had gotten close. There was no way she hated him now…? “I actually do believe in them.” he shrugged, keeping it at that. 

It made Penelope's ears perk as she turned to ask him “do you think you've met yours?” she asked him, turning in a swivel chair slightly. 

“Only time will tell.” he would respond, getting a nod from the other. 

“Do you believe you've met yours?” he asked her in return and she offered a slight shrug 

“As you said, only time will tell.” she shrugged. And he offered a small gruff laugh. He wanted to ask her about it, he was truly curious but before he could open his mouth Prentiss walked out mentioning they had a case, and this one was bad.

“Penelope, we need you to go with us for this one.” she announced “it's all hands on deck. Wheels up in thirty.” causing a response of ‘great’ from penelope who got up to pack her laptop and whatever else that would have been needed. Luckily for her she always had a suitcase with changes of clothes ready to go, she knew others were in the same boat, as she listened to those around her get up to gather what they needed. All she knew was these cases were not the most comfortable. But at the end of it she knew that when they solved this, it would feel like coming home all over again. 

* * *

**_Come back and tell me why_ **

**_I'm feelin' like I've missed you all this time_ **

**_And meet me there tonight_ **

**_And let me know that it's not all in my mind_ **

He always had dreamed of love as he had seen in the movies he would watch while growing up. Dreamed of a love that felt like summer even during the middle of winter. He dreamed of finding someone and never letting go of them. Knowing somewhere in your mind they were meant to be yours and you were meant to be there's. He dreamed of a love where he would constantly feel like dancing in the rain, where it would feel like the most normal things would cause a thrill in his life. Except this wasn't a normal thing, the dynamic the pair had. The pair had the kind of dynamic where the world would surely stop on its axis if one witty comment didn't escape someone’s lips during that day. She wasn't all cloud nine and fireworks to him, she was red lips and campfires where if you got too close to them you'd find yourself getting burned. She reminds you of late-night drives where you just want to be with that one person. 

She might of been stubborn and bold. But somehow she's also one of the most loyal and comforting people you've met. She manages to bring out the best in you even when she doesn't realize she's doing it. She's seen you throughout all the bad and still somehow is there. Maybe it's because you work together. But you can't stop but think, she's supposed to be something more to you. She's supposed to be much more … 

She grew up watching Disney movies in her room, so her idea of love and soulmates has always been something that has felt a little skewed compared to the rest of the world. She always thought her prince charming would come when she expected it the most. Which was why the entire thing with Luke caught her off guard. She expected the kind of love where you could leave the Christmas lights up until March or April and not care about the neighbor's loud comments because you're too busy falling for the other person all over again. You expected the kind of love where you would find whatever excuse possible to be near them. Where it felt as if chaos didn't follow because you were safely nuzzled into them. 

He called himself rain and if he was rain and she was sunshine they would be a hurricane. He had called himself fiery and sensitive. But somehow she knew that with those things she didn't judge him for that. You could bring your worst on display around her, and she would have loved you for that. So maybe in another timeline, they were soulmates. Maybe in another timeline, they kept finding each other. She wants sure what was in store for this timeline. 

The case took a week or so, it was a Boise Idaho case and definitely one of the worst they had in a while... Some college-aged girl would murder her tutors when they would come over. She had penned herself as the "Dark Maiden." Something that felt straight out of a comic book if you had asked them. Penelope the entire time worked on tracing phone records or whatever else. Working fast before her next victim was placed in front of them. Luke worked with the rest to find a pattern and profile her. Turns out the girl wasn't used to rejection until she got into college. All of this would turn into seven victims in total and the way the student body reacted to getting sent home after the case was everywhere on the news. It shook the small community to its core. And the thing that struck them the hardest? One of the girls, when they identified the third victim's body, sobbed. Announcing it was her "soulmate" the "person she planned on spending the rest of her life with." It took all of Penelope not to break down crying for the poor girl. 

But when she walked into the plane she had been sitting next to Reid for a little while, up until the point he mentioned he was going to nap for the remainder of the trip. They had plenty of long nights, so understandably she knew that if someone had to nap, they had to. So she noticed from the other side that Luke remained quiet. He did have a book sitting in his lap, but it seemed as if he was ignoring that to look outside of the window. 

"Hey, you've been really quiet since we left Idaho," Penelope announced as she walked over to Luke. Sitting down next to him on the plane. He offered a shrug as she watched the wheels turned in his head. "Come on Alvez. I can see those wheels turning in your head — what's wrong?" She asked as she leaned back in the seat. "We still have time." She finished as he sighed. Running a hand through his hair. 

It seemed like he was being careful with what he said. Not wanting to mess up anything. "I guess the entire thing that the third victim's girlfriend told us struck a little harder than it needed to."

"The girl talking about her soulmate…?" She asked and looked at him, raising a brow. 

"Yeah, her. It's just — if I died not knowing who my soulmate was. I wouldn't know how to feel. Everyone has one. And at that point I would have missed getting that chance." He said with a shrug. The way he spoke caused chills to go down Penelope's spine. "I'm asking you honestly. Do you think you've met your soulmate?" He asked her, looking over to her. To be honest…? She didn't know if she had. She wished she had. She wished she could have said she did. But she didn't know. 

"I honestly don't know." She admitted as she looked at him. "Sometimes I think I did. It feels as if maybe I did. But then again, there's no way for me to tell." She told him and he nodded, understanding. "Do you think you've met yours?" She asked back and he didn't know how to respond. 

There were a few things testing his ability to see if he thought he met his soulmate or not. He worked with her and there was the company policy of not dating anyone in the same area. He didn't know if she felt the same way, that was the next reason. The third, he didn't want to change their dynamic if it turned out he wasn't her soulmate. He didn't want their quick and witty banter to stop. Didn't want her to stop making jokes with him and have moments like these that felt strangely intimate. He didn't want them to stop coming up with silly nicknames for one another. Or for her to not believe in every word he said. Mostly, he didn't want to stop believing in her being his soulmate. "I don't know. There are times where I feel I might be closer to her than I imagined." He said leaving it at that. Resulting in a nod from the other as she thought about what would come next.

Did he want to test to see if she was his soulmate? More than anything in the world. Did he want to ruin all they had worked for in the process. Not ever. He ran another hand through his hair as he watched as she turned away. Actively engaging in a conversation with Tara who asked her something about the pattern on her dress. 

Matt was one of the lucky ones as was JJ. One of the ones who found their soulmate, who didn't need to shatter a wall in their glass house in order to let people come in. Matt and JJ both had their person and even if things weren't always the best, they were working on it. He was too scared for these things to work. And while he knew she had problems, his issues were the things pounding through his head. Confidence was something he really built himself on during the past years, there was something about being around her that made him lose that. But he didn't want to admit he was falling in love. This was just a crush— it was something that would pass and he would be fine. He got up to walk to the other side of the aircraft to go talk to Emily, to someone else. Just to distract himself from the feeling that everything has changed for him. 

As she talked to Tara she felt a chill as he got up to go, the same chill she had received every time he had entered into the room prior to this. Even on his first day. When she believed her last ex was her soulmate she never got those chills from him. But now…? It felt like something had changed...

* * *

**_All I know is we said, "Hello"_ **

**_So dust off your highest hopes_ **

**_All I know is pouring rain_ **

**_And everything has changed_ **

**_All I know is a new found grace_ **

**_All my days, I'll know your face_ **

  
  


He still felt as if he knew her from somewhere , a captain where she was a siren. A war where she was a nurse. But that first time he saw her, or felt all new. It felt like looking at her, every single thing became clear and he was able to see where he was meant to be. Change had always been scary for him, it had always been something he wasn't a fan of. But right now with this kind of change, he accepted it with open arms as everything happened in the world. “Hey, we landed.” Penelope would announce as she walked over to him, he nodded as he grabbed his bag, looking over at Penelope. There was something about the way her eyes shined that it looked like a constellation of everything right and perfect were burried deep in them. 

She smiled as she looked up at him. And for a second he allowed himself to mentally sigh, yep. He was falling in love with her and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. 

And as she looked at him, she wasn't sure what it was. But whoever said there couldn't be an ocean in brown eyes, had clearly never seen the ones belonging to Luke Alvez, there was an ocean inside those eyes and right now she didn't mind thinking about falling in love with those eyes. 

This could change everything

_But who would mind if everything had changed_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taylor Swift has a new album coming out TONIGHT...? WHAT. So that really gave me the inspiration to write more for this fic and the series (for New Girl) I'm currently working on. Hopefully, more ideas will be coming soon, with the new album coming the next chapter could be released sooner than I previously thought. Which is a VERY exciting development. I hope you enjoyed this !! To those who are reading this, leave Taylor Swift songs you'd have interest in reading :) Love everyone !! Can't wait for you to read the next update.

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to do a challenge like this for months, I just couldn't pick out a pairing I wanted to do it with. So here's what the challenge will be. Every single time I come to write I'll go in and click shuffle on my Taylor Swift playlist to pick a song to write the next chapter on. This won't exactly be a slow burn, but it will be a small path. This was chapter one, the song used was Illicit Affairs from Folklore.


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